Last year at around this time, I had made a vision board. I was feeling positive, creative and crafty back then. After exactly one year post that episode, I feel completed broken, negative and creativity has left my body. This entire thing is very suffocating. It is like I want to talk, but there’s no one to talk to. I want to write, but the words from the heart are not getting to the fingers. I want to dance, but I am afraid people will laugh. I want to sing, but I am scared my voice will be heard.
I was a bubbly, introvert – right now I am just an introvert. I was the one who enjoyed her own company, but the girl I am sitting with today hates being alone and hates when she is crowded. I want to be alone, but I am scared that the vacuum will swallow me; I want to walk on the roads, but I am worried what will the people say; I want to go to work, but I don’t want to be judged; I want to sleep till the next sunrise, but I fear the night will wake me up.
I loved writing for my blog. There was a time, I used to not sleep but write for my blog and then go to work and then come home again and write for my blog. This moment of my life wherein I am awake the entire day, but I can’t get myself go to the laptop and write anything. I cry when I am alone and I can’t write that I am crying. I write a 500 words post and then select it all and delete it, because I can’t relate to it.
I am the type of human being who is depending on other people for happiness. I have always been that person. I have given 200% to all my people and I EXPECT a 50% from them. I am not happy when my people are not happy with me. I think if I am not there with my people, they will fall apart. I know I am wrong; no one is so dependent on someone as much as I think they are. But the day I will accept that FACT, I will be happier in life.